Homeland Security To Limit Saliva On Airlines

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WASHINGTON---Airline travelers may feel a little high and dry over the Thanksgiving holiday, thanks to new Transportation Security Administration guidelines unveiled this morning that will limit saliva to no more than three ounces per passenger on domestic and international flights.

"We just don’t want to take chances," said TSA spokesman Ted Bonner. "If terrorists can make a bomb out of hair gel, it's only a matter of time before they move on to Spit."

Bonner said that travelers should stop drinking fluids of any kind at least three days prior to their departure date, and to "seek hydration treatment at the closest emergency room" once they arrive at their destination.

According to the new TSA rules, passengers who go over the three-ounce limit will be able to have the excess removed from their glands, bottled, and placed in their checked luggage. New Sahara3000 saliva extraction machines are being provided by Halliburton, which won a no-bid $50 billion contract for the equipment last May.

Bonner refused to comment on how saliva—of which the average human produces 32 ounces daily---could be used to create an explosive device. "For national security reasons we want to keep the terrorists guessing about what we know or don't know."

Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff said the new policy was part of an ongoing effort to protect the homeland during the six year-old war on terror. "These measures will continue to assure that our aviation system remains safe and secure. Travelers should go about their plans confidently, while maintaining vigilance in their surroundings and exercising patience with screening and security officials."

Chertoff added that future restrictions on blood, urine and bile were "not likely, but also not out of the question."

Some passengers won't be afffected by the new rule. Bonner said that helper monkeys will be able to travel with full saliva levels, but only after going through the normal security screening process.

Meanwhile, in an effort to boost airline security even further, the amount of air cargo that's inspected will increase from five percent to six percent.